“All my life I had to fight” in my Oprah voice of course. My fight was not with a man or any external factors but with my own mind. It’s like I was constantly digging in a sand pit to find the real you. For those who have never experienced what I am explaining it may seem a bit crazy but stay with me for a moment. Let’s take your computer open most of the tabs, run a couple of programs and just for fun turn on all the notifications. Okay now try to work in this manner for let’s say 6 hours(don’t want to torture you too much.) What happens? I will just give you a few possibilities-your computer slows down but hopefully it doesn’t crash. It takes forever for anything to open so your patience grows thin and either you stick with it annoyed or just give up. Either way now you are short-tempered and annoyed by not just your computer but every and anything around you. When you do get something to work you are hyper-focus on that one task. You are so happy that you can actually get something accomplished. What you don’t notice is that you have missed everything else. What is even worst is the other times that you pretty much work on whatever pops up on your computer as they pop up for as long as you can until it goes away again. At the end of your six hours you are frustrates, tired and unmotivated knowing tomorrow you have to endure this again. You had so many hopes for the day but got nothing accomplished.
In this scenario my brain is the computer and you are my body. This was my life with undiagnosed adult ADHD. This example may seem extreme and a bit of an exaggeration but it is downplayed compared to the reality. I remember being so frustrated with knowing all that I was capable of but always being too tired to stay focused and accomplish what I wanted. Always being afraid of success because I was afraid I could not keep up and worried that someone would see my flaws. Having to take all my energy to filter my thoughts and turn it into speech only to be told you are speaking too fast or hearing” I can’t understand you”. In my mind I am speaking too slow and will never be able to get it all out. Trying not to cut people off or finished their statements because I have already finished the whole conversation in mind with almost complete accuracy. Trying my very best to keep listening because I something else has already won my attention.
To add to this, I am very analytical and I see life in patterns. I assume this a byproduct of me coping with my Adult ADHD or maybe it is just me. So when I know everything someone is going to say or what they are going to do it is because people are creatures of habit. So when someone ask me, “are you psychic?” I want to say no just a byproduct of 39 years of coping with ADHD. Instead I just answer “context clues”. This has been one of my ways of organizing my thoughts and my environment all to stay “sane”.
Now to get to the point of this, how and why I got diagnosed. It was not the unfiltered thoughts but my recognition of my growing inability to control the increased impulsivity. After so many years of over controlling my emotions I had become dull feeling nothing. This all was changing and I was starting to feel again, it was all flooding in to quickly and more than I could handle. I was getting to the point of losing control. I would say and do things without thought as though my brains gatekeeper was on vacation. My nights were the worst, after a day of trying to stay focused there were nights I felt like my brain said screw it and that is if I didn’t just crash. I tried meditation and it help me think clearly about my life and all the things I didn’t put together before. Meditation help me focus on getting help which was the best decision I have ever made. I found a brilliant doctor who also suffered from Adult ADHD and got medication which I have never believed in. Today I am a believer and for me Vyvanse is a blessing and this is coming from a person who believes Manuka honey and Braggs apple cider vinegar can fix anything.
I am not sharing my story not to give advice or to promote any drugs because everyone’s struggle is different. I am sharing my story to help me heal and no longer be ashamed. I am sharing my story for anyone that is suffering as I did. Please always remember you are not alone, you are not broken, your mind is complicated and you just need help organizing your brilliance. For those of you that have never experienced what I am speaking of I have one request. All I ask is that you do not judge another’s struggle until you have walked in their shoes.